Some say “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” I agree, well that is, if you are so committed to the person to the point of marriage. If not, then well, I feel that you just end up expending too much unnecessary energy. Regardless, in my case I know that I would not be able to do a long distance relationship; it’s probably a timing issue; I’m only 19 and well, frankly speaking, I don’t need to be held down- not at this age at least. Furthermore, this is more so relevant if your significant other is in a completely different country. Well that is my friend's story. Summers are usually like that, and well starting December, after he graduates, it will be like that for good. At the end of the day, for the most part, being constantly responsive in a long-distance relationship is the key.
Wallace’s four attraction factors (physical attractiveness, proximity, common ground, and disinhibition) play a huge role into how my friend's relationship evolved over the past years. Let’s take the first factor: physical attractiveness. They first met face to face, so that initially played a role in it. After sometime, physical attraction was not an issue. Afterwards, it was common ground and proximity that made their relationship stronger. I guess common ground is the most important thing to a relationship. My friend and her significant other are both business majors, so they always discuss business ventures and ideas. Furthermore, having similar backgrounds added to their relationship- in terms of foods, experiences, etc. Understanding each others viewpoints and perspectives and seeing eye to eye with them, made their relationship strongest. This idea of relating to each other, by sharing some common ground is what makes any relationship strongest.
To add to that, proximity became everything for sometime. In the most trying period of his life, physical proximity was important. Having him right next to my friend reinforced in her mind that he was okay, and if he was not, she was there, so it was fine. He became so familiar to her, so predictable; it was perfect. Furthermore, having that constant support and nearness in such a time, made him realize that he was not alone on this. It was proximity in this trying time that meant the world to him.
CMC proximity in the context of internet frequency refers to the times you run into that other person on the net. Once summer hit, that internet frequency between them was never present. Because of time zone differences and other things that needed to be settled, they never met online. I guess for the first 2 weeks, my friends significant other expected an e-mail of some sort every so often. But then she stopped expecting anything. A person’s nearness makes you expect- and anticipate- future interaction. And without any computer mediated communication, she began to expect nothing.
In any ideal situation one would think that disinhibition or increased self-disclosure occurs in a CMC environment. And that is probably true, but my friends relationship is no ideal situation. Initially, talking on AIM was nice, she says. She was able to flood her emotions online, as she is not the person who is good at that stuff face to face. But afterwards, when one goes through such a trying period in life, in another country, without your significant other around, and you have so much more on your plate aside from the relationship, one cannot expend more energy. Internet frequency decreases as does that self-disclosure element. You begin to stop pouring your emotions, because you never see that person online, and if you do, it’s once in a blue moon. At that point, the conversation becomes casual.
Ever since getting back on the same soil, their relationship is stronger, but in a few months time, upon his leaving, she doubts this will last.
So basically Wallace’s 4 attraction factors definitely sums up my friend's relationship. To me, I would say common ground is most important because it is what makes the relationship stronger. Proximity is important as well, but without common ground, a relationship might as well not be.
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2 comments:
I agree with your conclusion that common ground is probably the most important factor regarding relationship strength - after all, if two people have nothing to talk about or do together, it won't really matter how attractive either of them is or how often they talk.
I also agree with the fact that it's painfully easy for distance to kill a relationship - I didn't write about it, but in my experience the frequency of Internet communication DID decrease as my relationship wore on, which no doubt led to the eventual breakup; proximity may not seem so important, but "out of sight, out of mind" is an adage that proves true very frequently, so it clearly has at least some bearing on relationship strength.
Yea, I would agree with everything that has been said. Especially in light of the (potentially large) time zone difference, the deck in that case just seemed stacked against your friend. As you pointed out, almost all of Wallace’s factors of attraction were challenged by your friend’s situation. I would say that proximity is the most important factor here; with a low and decreasing intersection frequency, the relationship is bound to cool off. Great post, thanks.
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